New Year's Eve...

2011 is finally coming to a close. And I am frankly glad of that. Although it has been a year of personal growth and rediscovering talents that had long since been forgotten or thrown to the corner by constant belittling or bullying, not to mention the kind of lacking inspiration that only life at the Redditch YMCA can leave you with (seriously that place is such a drain on you physically and emotionally, no wonder the people who live there all seem to have given up, you can't sleep, breathe or do anything comfortably and then there is a TOTAL lack of privacy, never again... seriously) and meeting some incredible new people along the way. But honestly this year hasn't been a good one for anyone has it?

This is meerly a quickie to wish everyone a happy new year for 2012 and the hope that your celebrations are enjoyable and you all stay safe, healthy and happy for the years to come. I leave you now with my latest piece of wall art, a painting of Sai that I did yesterday on my bedroom wall. It took a few hours but it was nice to sit and paint an anime guy on the wall, lazing above the radiator. I am hoping that this is going to be the first of many new things appearing around Casa-de-Wendy over the next few months! Watch this space!

Loves
Wendy xx

New Look

My Journey... has had a new banner and a clean up. Worry not though, it will still have the same ramblings about life, the universe and everything that is Wendy. This is my way of casting off the old style and old attitudes and getting ready to re-embrace life as a whole new me.

Loves

Wendy xx

New Year, New Wendy...

After some wonderful Christmas celebrations with some wonderful friends, even if another infection seems intent on making me it's bitch but that's another story, I am now getting ready for New Year. Looking back this last year hasn't been one of the best what with the issues with a certain ex and the worst broken limb I've managed in a long time, but c'est la vie. We all have to experience some unpleasantness in order to appreciate and enjoy the light that shines in.

My light has come in the form of my friends. I really couldn't ask for better friends and I am so grateful to them in every way. Nathaniel and Josh have been brilliant support and they're always around for those moments when I can use a laugh or just some one to play with. Natty and I spent nearly an entire night playing on Naruto Broken Bond or watching anime together. Along with Josh and Penny, my Birthday was one surrounded by light and laughter. I also made a wonderful new friend through the internet.

I only joined Twitter for something to do and some kind of company during a relationship that was seriously bombing. I ended up jumping in to the wonderful world of Role Play. What I love about Role Play is the fact that I can assume a character, mine is my beloved game's character Sephiroth. Sephiroth has a lot of enjoyable adventures with his friends and on those days when I haven't been well, it provides a well needed escape and feel better. It also introducing me to Becky. Becky is like my own younger sister and I look forward to spending the New Year making Sharingan Cupcakes and watching DVDs. Doing generally fun and girly things.

Although it does have to be said that last New Years was fun as well, playing FF13 and talking all night before spending New Years Day helping a friend move house. Little did we know then that so much was going to change. I experienced 4 very personal losses and as a result must have cried enough for several rivers. The saddest losses were those of Alphonse and Hope. Both times I fought to save them. I really did. My only regret with Alphonse was that I wasn't with him at the very end, but I understand that it would have only caused more upset for all involved. I can take comfort that his final moments were comfortable and he passed in to the next world with no pain.

Over the next year, I am aiming to carry on the wonderful work that has got me back to where I was before the disastrous relationship. I am nearly there and have recently discovered that I am now back to the size I was beforehand. I'm finishing getting my finances back in order and by the end of the year, my FF7 half sleeve will finally be completed as well as a fair few other pieces. And after a gap year with Becky where we should be traveling and experience so many new things, taking more photos than ever and enjoying things that I have always wanted to do. Then by the summer Becky will move in here and by the next year both of us are going to college (I'll finally be re-sitting my HND and not having ANYONE or ANYTHING to take it away from me), life is going to be brilliant from now on.

Loves
Wendy xx

Merry Christmas

I won't be on much over the next few days, BUT that doesn't mean to say that you are forgotten. I just wanted to take the chance now and wish EVERYONE a Merry Christmas 2011 and a Happy and Prosperous 2012. This year has been a heck of a Rollercoaster ride for me and I am so thankful to my wonderful friends and family for getting me through it the way they have. Seriously, you guys are awesome.

I wish you all peace, and good will and the hope that you will all have a good time and I will blog more over the next year. I am spending New Years this year with someone who makes me very happy and her gift to me was the reawakening of Hope in my life. Becky really is the little sister I always thought I should have had. She is bright, energetic and she really helps me to remember to live each moment and that is so important.

I also look up to the skies in sadness. Keeping Lynnette and her husband in my thoughts this time of year after having lost their beautiful shining star earlier this year. It was a tragic end to such a brave fight and the spirit of Rachy will always live on in all the hearts of everyone who was lucky enough to have known her. She taught all of us to live our lives and enjoy ourselves even if we have limitations at this is a lesson I really take to heart. She inspired so many people to sign up to donate their organs as well so that others can live on and carry on her amazing legacy. I also think of Victoria Tremlett who recently received her gift of life this year and is doing so well. I hope that this continues, I really do.

So this is my last thought before Christmas Day and I thought that I would share another of my drawings that I did to mark the Occasion.

Good Times...

This last week with my lovely Becky-chan has been absolutely amazing. We've had so much fun and I think it is what I need sometimes is just someone to hang around with, and have a laugh. She really is as mad as I am and I enjoy it when we just sit around talking or drawing together (Becky is a very talented young artist if you would like to see her work then please click HERE) or even playing on games and laughing at each other's progress. She thought it was funny when I got angry with the Pain Vs Tsunade fight on UNS2.

I also have taken to dancing at random, for some odd reason the "Caramelldansen" meme has been rattling around this place as well as me actually dancing along to it. Either the antidepressants are working a little too well and I am loopy or I am just in such a better mood these days. I would like to think its the latter and the removal of complications and people who were draining me in life is finally starting to show and I am just so much happier and I am more available to seize the day and get up and just swing my hips around or make myself every bit the rather happy and content person that I am.

I like to enjoy myself and this includes drawing for hours. I love it. I love to draw and paint or draw something and then scan it in to the computer before using the digital studio to manipulate it and make it almost perfect for what I want. Doing so has allowed me to turn sketch works in to some really fantastic drawings and pictures that are popular and are getting something of an online following. I am proud to be part of an artistic community and when it comes up on my screen that someone has added something I made to their favourites, then that is when I smile and know that something I drew because I liked it has raised a smile or plucked at the heartstrings of another person.

I have been decorating the flat more and adding more personal touches such as posters and other things that make the place my own. My favourite one so far is on  my living room door, saying "Keep Out, Gamer at work. Killing Enemies, Beating Bosses, Stealing Cars, Explicit Language, Blowing Stuff Up... Leave food and drink at door, then go away", I thought this REALLY summed me up to a tee. If the day passes and I haven't played on one of my consoles, usually this means there is something seriously wrong. A favourite right now is of course the Naruto game series and I will review my latest ones soon on my other blog, but right now I am having too much fun to do any serious work. Other than a Christmas piece that I am currently working on, but now that has been sketched and shaded, I can take a break and work on the rest of it later. For now, me and the piggles are having some special time together.

Loves
Wendy xx

Artwork Showcase - Special

Taking a break from the norm, I thought I would showcase some of my better work this year. I have always loved drawing and have always had a specific skill towards it. So I thought it would be nice to show off the things this year has led me to create.

This is a personal favourite of mine actually. Of all my Naruto themed work, I liked this piece called "About a Girl". It is a picture of Itachi Uchiha and his older cousin who he was close to, talking about a girl that Itachi likes but is unsure on how to approach her. His cousin Shisui is laughing as he tells personal accounts of how he seems to remain popular with the girls.

This piece has a lovely, casual feel to it and the expressions of the two figures are almost perfect, the way Itachi looks so unsure of himself as he fidgets. The shading work on this took me a while to get the hang of and get the right feel. Layering textures such as hair and clothing are quite difficult when done with a pencil and paper. This took quite a few attempts to get right and I sat doing it for a good 2 days. I was actually really happy with the outcome.

The next piece is one I actually started last year, around August I think it was, but had to go on hold because I had been made so angry that the infamous hand breaking incident happened. I actually started this piece as two separate drawings of Sephiroth and Kuja. I cheated a bit here because I used my scanner and put both images in to my computer and juxtaposed them together to make the final composition. I did one version but it wasn't until recently that I managed to refine it and get those colours just right so that they lifted off the page.

I added some small textural effects as well to the final image, sadly these didn't show up as well on the scans but things like the piping on Kuja's jacket and his buckles and the beads and belts on Sephiroth were actually finished in metallic ink to give them a more special feel.

I think this picture must have been put through the process about 6 times until I was satisfied, but that is the mark of an artist, one who will strive for perfect work, even if they're at it for days.

My final piece I wanted to showcase here was a drawing of Sai, again from Naruto. Sai is an interesting character who uses a scroll, inks and his chakra to create an army of beasts. Whereas Sai himself is pale and awkward, never quite saying the right thing at the right time. Along with the Uchiha characters, Sai is definitely one who sticks out and makes me smile.

This piece went through the process so many times I actually lost count and ended up with so many proofs littering my bedroom I had to sift through them, realizing that each one was uniquely it's own piece of art in itself.

Sai is also one of my more popular pieces on Deviant Art, a website dedicated to artists and the work they produce. I only share my link with selected people, but you know what, as it's Christmas, I really don't mind sharing. My Deviantart

Hope you have enjoyed this.

Loves
Wendy xx

Shining Bright....

This is a year of personal growth and it has gone so well, I've learned so much about myself and it's allowed me to grow strong and regain my own independence and self worth. I am better than I gave myself credit for. More ambitious, and more full of that spark and energy that endeared me to so many people in the first place. To lose that fire was horrible and its never something I want to lose again. I'm full of life and living up to the max, as best I can in my circumstances.

My carer helps me so much and she understands the level of clean thats needed to keep myself at least healthy. My health is fragile and that is the unfortunate reality. There is a reason why I get DLA and I have a carer helping me, and now I have to take care of myself and my own needs. To keep myself that person that I love. I have discovered a liking to having a nice hot bath, a mug of hot chocolate or tea and powering down with a game on my PSP while lying in bed, before I become so relaxed that my eyes close and I become embroiled in my dreams.

I wake up in my own time and I love it when I go in to my living room and see my 4 guinea pigs all happy and ready for a fuss and some love. Gaara is settling on his own finally and isn't screeching so much whenever I get off the sofa. It's a learning curve for him as well as one for me.

2012 is going to hold travel and Anime Conventions. Getting away for a few days (of course with someone to feed my pets for me) and seeing the country and meeting the friends I have met over the last year and of course making more friends wherever I go. Its a big thing for me to go and have some fun and meet new people. I love that feeling when you meet someone new and they're interesting, and have their own accent. My ultimate dream is to go to Japan and maybe get some work experience in teaching English. So I am hoping to go back to college to learn a new language.

I feel born again. Admittedly I still have that day when I feel so ill and can't do a lot, and the people who help me recover are so incredible. They support me. They make sure that I keep my spirits up and they help me make wise choices with fiances and other things. I really feel like I'm getting back on track, I know I may never be as well as I was back then, but you know what, having the strength to do what I want to do even with a chronic sickness is what makes me special.

Loves
Wendy xx

Can/Can't...

There is a huge difference between these words, more than merely one letter. One will set you free while the other will keep you trapped forever. People often focus on "Can't" and forget that it is just pessimistic to sit there and fixate ourselves on the negative perceptions. I will freely admit that there have been times where I have been so beaten down that I forgot about things I could do rather than the things that sadly are beyond my ability now. But when did anything ever stop me from getting to where I want and being that person who is happy and in slightly better health.

Yes, I do live with a disability. Yes there are days when I really want to do things but am not well enough and going out and about can drain me and leave me feeling flat and tired. That's OK. It's all a part of what my condition means, but that doesn't mean I don't try. I take the time to do positive things and surround myself with people who, like me, want to just spread some kindness and charity to those less fortunate. I'm the kind of woman who will hand feed a sick guinea pig and work tirelessly so that he recovered.

Poor Patch had been feeling a bit under the weather these last few weeks. He was skinny (despite me giving him more food), withdrawn and just generally sickly looking. The poor little mite though, he still managed to walk up to me, chattering and giving me that grinny pig expression that he has always only reserved for me. Since I spent time feeding him by hand, plenty of love and affection, and 2 new cagemates and now he is 100% better and has managed to put on 300g of what he needed to put on. He doesn't look so ruffled and poorly groomed either. It does fill me with pride and happiness that even when I don't feel very well at all myself, I could still and happily nurse and nurture an animal who has nurtured and cared for me as much as he has over the year with his unconditional love.

I could have written a bitchy, retaliatory blog to a certain person who has started to do just that for no reason at all, but I am so much better than that and I can at least take the moral high ground. Something this particular individual seems to have given up on. But hey-ho that bullshit doesn't matter to me at all and eventually they will realize that NO ONE CARES. And me, well I am going to carry on making the most of my life, the gifts that I have (my art, music and my sewing) and continue to show my friends and family the compassion they so dearly deserve.

Tomorrow, my Becky-chan is coming up to see me (OMG I GOT IT RIGHT!!) for a few days and we can have a couple of days doing girly things, having a giggle with pizza, ice cream and a raid in to my massive DVD collection. I love my DVD collection, its got every film that I love in there, and some anime that really have inspired me artistically. I'm growing as an artist and as a writer. I write a bit for my ADIM project every day as well as my Naruto fictions and my other projects. In the new year I hope to get a place on a piercing course and learn to do something I have always wanted to. Now I can afford it thanks to DLA I decided that the time has come to stop putting my own dreams on hold.

Whenever Becky comes over, my house is filled with laughter, happiness and that feeling of being somebodies big sister and it is fantastic. I belong here.

Loves
Wendy xx

Only Human...

I know I may never be what one would call Perfect. I know this and you know something I am GLAD of it. Perfect is... Well perfect is frankly what one would call conformity and normality. None of these are things I can well be accused of. I am me. I am strong. But I am compassionate. I can be cold, but at the same time warm and nurturing. I am proud of who I am and indeed the things I have endured. I don't sling mud nor do I stoop to the level of a sympathy seeker nor someone who frankly needs to grow up a bit and stop clinging to the past or indeed their fantasies of what they THINK they are or what they think they have done.

I am better than that.

I am better than people like that.

I have had so much to endure and yet who is the one who came out on top? I have managed to salvage my life and pick myself back up again. I sleep better knowing that everything is great here. I am finally ready for my dreams to come true and I will do whatever it takes to make that a reality. Even if it does mean that I have to sever some ties with people who have hurt me in the past. The ties of hatred and pain only lead to one place and licking your wounds constantly doesn't allow them to heal. I made that mistake and it lead to my near suicide and I had to pick myself up and start again.

I realised a lot of this last night when one of my closest and strictest confidants came round and he sat. We gamed. We talked. We laughed and we chewed over a lot of what happened over the last 2 years or so. He then commented about something that has become a popular subject. My weight. I have resorted to my sparse eating habits again and was nearly again on the tracks to become 7 stone again. For a woman of my height, this is particularly harmful. My lowest acceptable weight is 8 and a half stones. But again that lethargic and apathetic attitude came in and I refused to eat properly again and again. Soup seems to be a staple in my diet at the moment, but that's alright as it is full of healthy stuff really.

Loves
Wendy xx

Independance and Confidence...

Over the last few weeks there has been so much improvement in me, heck I'd say that since May, I have slowly dragged myself (with help from some very special people) up from this miserable, reclusive and lonely person who was living between mental breakdowns and severe asthma attacks to what I am now. I am me. I am beautiful because I am myself and I make my own choices and do my own thing.

My confidence has been soaring lately as I think about what I can do, rather than what I can't. It really is a better way of thinking and as a result you do walk taller and have more of a genuine smile on your face. I have joined an online community to show off my work and skills. I've been uploading many of my fantastic drawings and really began noticing that this is really a skill that I can be proud of. I see my art as a therapy. I draw and paint on my walls as an expression of raw emotion and a display of my humanity. To display my work is to show the world that behind the illness and between the bad days, there is something pure, beautiful and vibrant there. There is hope. Even when it seems empty and like there really isn't much point anymore.

A friend taught me that before she passed away this year. Rachy's legacy will live on and continue to inspire people to sign up to the donor list, but she also inspired us to live our lives and do everything we want to do so as to have no regrets. She did so much despite being gravely ill and she never let anything get to her. She is a real heroine in my eyes and I am proud to have known and talked to her.

This spurt of confidence has come after a rough few years and a few years where I was broken down multiple times and rebuilt in to something I never wanted to be, by someone who was convinced that HE was the victim. I see that things will never change and I refuse to be a part of that anymore. I will never forgive that person, nor will I ever EVER want anything to do with them, as far as I am concerned, they are merely shadows of a past that I am learning from and have moved on. And they should stop picking at the carcass and do the same, lest that person ends up like his father, embittered, fat and lazy, blaming everyone else for their transgressions because it was easier than admitting to the truth.

My confidence has grown and I have as well, I am older and wiser. I am not afraid of leaving my house or constantly asking for anyone else's permission to do whatever I would like. No. I do what I want, WHEN I want and HOW I want. With help from Tom and Penny, I have managed to sort out my personal finances, all bills go out on time now and everything gets paid when it needs to be. I no longer sell things to make ends meet anymore and myself and my pets live comfortably in our home. The peace and harmony means that everything is calmer and arguments are never part of the soundtrack here. Instead that is replaced by laughter and mirth. Joy and a feel of warmth that you only get in good company.

I was saddened in October when my X Box decided to RROD on me. But I did kind of expect it after all it was old and the drawer wouldn't open anymore if there was nothing in there. The good part of that though was it gave me an incentive to upgrade my X Box and my TV to something a bit more modern and a LOT more me. I had wanted a HDTV for a long time but it had been all but a faint dream until my DLA was started and I began making improvements to my home. My new TV is decidedly smaller than the old one, but the picture quality at 1080p is frankly drool worthy! You notice little bits of mise-en-scene in games which you probably wouldn't have seen in Standard Def.

My new X Box is one of the new, slim ones. With a much larger HDD (the old one was a present for a friend) and the coolest gadget I've seen in a while, Kinect, I think I got the best upgrade possible and for the best value, as it was a package especially for Christmas with Kinect Adventures and Kung Fu Panda 2, 3 months free LIVE gold and a few other odds and sods make it all the more enjoyable.

My sofa has also been replaced. Before I had this cream coloured Sofabed thing that I got for free, it was only supposed to be a short term thing and I managed to upgrade to a stylish silver and black futon, perfect for the cold evenings in where theres really nothing more enjoyable than grabbing a plushie or 2, a blanket and snuggling down with some anime or a game!!

My next step is to get a better carpet for the lounge and maybe re-do the bedroom flooring, but that can wait until next spring when its warmer outside, but I will be replacing the living room blind and putting a blind up in the kitchen so that nosey neighbors and other people walking past can't start peering in at me!!

Loves
Wendy xx

Let It All Out....

We don't have to always act so brave.

I am so guilty of putting on a facade that I am well and not suffering so when I do finally allow myself to be vulnerable, I start to realise a few things. Most important, the wonderful friends who have helped me through so much over the last few years. The friends who are just like real blood relatives, in particular, Becky and Josh. Becky and I have such a special bond and we both totally get where the other is coming from which is refreshing at times, considering she needs someone to listen and understand and me, I sometimes just need to talk.

No matter how bleak it can seem, I am always so happy to take my laptop up and see whose emailed me or the shining red box that says that someone has seen my new pictures or read my latest ramblings. My blog has allowed me to open up and thats meant a lot. Yes it is weird that one who cannot admit her innermost feelings can write lengthy and interesting blogs about just that. Innermost feelings and emotions.

Recently I have been drawing and painting to show how I feel. Certain themes seem to come to mind and I sketch seductive male forms and young male ninja. People who know what it's like to have to pretend that everythings fine or that they only have one objective, their mission. I empathise with those characters sometimes and weirdly I understand the burden of pretending not to feel so that people don't see the weaknesses within.

Loves
Wendy xx

No More Grudges...

A lot has happened lately and its really helped me get some perspective on things. It really is something that I have needed and I turned my attention to my recent behaviors towards people in general. Wallowing in the past has really brought me nowhere and it just drove people away. Right now, I just want peace, quiet and that life away from arguments and distemper. And I miss the cherished pets that died this year, but they would want their mom to be happy and not driven by revenge.

So my next year is going to be spent in improvement and not repeating mistakes of the past.

Back To The Norm...

I know I have been a bit sloppy over the last 6 weeks only posting a few blogs here and there. It has been hard to type with just the one hand and the other encased in a purple cast. I chose purple purely as it is my colour. I wear purple and black a lot and they suit me. I think, haha.

So whats new? Well not much really, pursuing a more solitary life in terms of my relationships. This is suiting me as much as there are days when I feel shitty because there is no one at home, but my gorgeous animals keep me going. And of course my Becky-Chan!! I love that girl so much, shes my adopted little sister and shes absolutely hillarious! We spent about 2 hours the other day playing Kinect Me. A game where you scan yourself in and play with your avatar and they copy your movements, its silly but in a good way.

I've been really taken with my art and computer games. Completing both of my Naruto games over the last few weeks and now striving to complete the massive amount of side missions and silly things like "Lovelorn Villagers" which I found extremely funny. As well as overcharging chakra and making Naruto fart rather loudly which provided me with hours of laughs. I am a bit of a kid at heart and that is OK. I'm embracing that part of me now that does find things funny and does just enjoy being a young person. I guess for now that's best I can make of everything that happened recently. I think if I was to break down and start moping around then that would undo all the positive work I've done over the last few months and would be an insult to myself and everyone who has supported me over the last few weeks.

Its true what they say about friends, they really are worth their weight in gold and more. My friends have been such a pillar of support and I thank each one.

Loves
Wendy xx